Hello :D

I know I didn't get to update my blog for a long long time. Since I have to update friend's list, I might as well write something here (although I went through a tough time trying to log in) and also contemplating whether I should use the blue template design or the orange one.

I like the font for the blue one.

Okay.

You see, I am sick of trying to please everyone but somehow I can't escape it. When mum keeps on saying something, a very good example, getting a hair cut, I couldn't help but want to please her. I wasn't really intending to trim so soon but I don't like disappointing her as if it will make her unhappy.

Apart from getting a haircut, there are a lot of things I wish I can stop pleasing everyone.

"Ah, I shouldn't do this. They wouldn't like it"

"I can't. What if mum gets scolded?"

"Is it affordable?"

...It's like every single thing I want to do for myself, I have to through many levels of deep thoughts and consideration before I can decide what I should do. And it always doesn't end up with me having the advantage. Even as simple as going out for movies, I have to ask to make sure dad is free, need to know whether mum needs me, or if I went out too long, what is going to happen to mum or is mum feeling lonely.

She probably won't but I guess I am being paranoid in a way.

Auntie and Mum complained once "Why need to ask permission? You want to go out then go out." Yea, though mum says that, don't think she meant it or is it paranoid me? But if I just go out without asking permission or seeing the expression on her face for indication whether I have approval, that would be bad right? What if she doesn't want me to go and I just go without asking?


I don't know what I want but probably sometime where I have no need to consider what other thinks before doing something. Spontaneous perhaps?


BRM is making my brain hazy. Cannot even fully comprehend what am I talking about.

P/S: Keeping secret within family is hard.