I hate....

...insomnia. Really.

Sleeping at 2 yesterday is already abnormal enough for normal people and yes I know I am not that normal when it comes to sleeping. Since I need to get up early to get something done today, I was hoping sleeping at 2 will make me able to wake up early. Mind you, I sleep at 3 usually.

But yesterday, sleep doesn't come easy to me. Wait. Sleep doesn't come at all until 5.30 and I had a seemingly ridiculous dream which I even alter it in the process and then I get a scolding from my mum because I told her the truth I slept at 5.30. Not like it's my fault to begin with. When they don't want to let you sleep, there's nothing you do about it.

But then I manage to wake up at 8.20. Went out for about one hour plus. Came back now, eyes tired, my black coffee is on the table and I have no intention to sleep back. I thought of lots of things yesterday night. Probably not important.

As usual, ideas were plaguing my head and I was busy making out dialogues for my newly continuous fan fiction which I really intend to update today but I decided not to. I realized I dug my own grave on 22nd of November when I actually posted it up. Too late to back out. After making out dialogues and plots (if there is any) inside my head, I am still very wide awake and I thought of so many things.

The first thing I thought of is two saddest memory inside my head. You remember people always say "Forgive and forget"? True is true, easy to say but very hard to do it. You can't possibly to just forget everything sad and happy things that happened to you. The first saddest memory was few years back. The sad feeling was slow and not immediate. It's like having a knife and slowly carve it in your heart. You didn't know what exactly you are hurting but it's there until its too late. It hurts, like feeling betrayed, confused, lost and I just wanted answers. The answers came though but I am hurt beyond compare. I forgive whatever that inflicted the pain on me but I can't forget. That's the very first emotional pain I had.

The second one is this year. Exactly when I don't remember. It was different from the first one. While the first one is slow, the second one is so fast that you have no idea what hits you. I clearly don't. It was like having a knife stab on your heart before you even know it. The effects are immediate, tears just starting slowing and by the time I realize, I haven't cried so hard and due to personal things for so long. It's usually watching a drama or an anime that makes me cry but that was different. I never cried so hard, and so long as the tears wouldn't stop. I am so silly of thinking "This is probably what they feel when they were being dumped by girlfriend or boyfriend". Not like I would ever know how it feels but it hurts, betrayed not so. The only thing I can do is cry and avoid my brother when he came in. But the second time feels better since I have a friend and my mother to talk with. I remembered the first one, I don't dare to talk to my mother and I only have God to talk to. Thank God for that.

Still, forgive yes. Forget no. It will always be a thorn inside my heart, once provoked, still hurts.

Then I remembered about how I meet the Food Gangs and that include Banana considering I am the main reason he is nicknamed Banana. We were most probably talking about bananas then, if not how to explain the sudden nickname?

College is a new thing and I never thought I will ever get a friend there and in the first day too. And I am not the one who start first, no surprise there but it's a big accomplishment. Dad still tease me "What other friends she got except those 4?" *the one I always go out with* then Mum "Still have three friends?" *college friends*. Having those words coming from my father, who too, part of anti-social is not good.

Much better now. I got Hui Xian and Kah Yan as friends too.

From a person who slept for only 3 hours, this has got to be the longest post ever and I don't even want to update but since my brother gave me something to, I have no choice but to on the computer. Since I already on it, why not use it?